Could not have been better timed. Suffered through my first colonoscopy yesterday!!! A few coastal differences. No gatorade recommendation. Mine was for "Jello and broth." No red or blue. I was told to go to the pharmacy where they gave me a giant jug with the powder already in it, and I had to consume half the night before and half the next morning. Samesies: hot blankets (so nice) and the endless watery pooping of course. ("My butt is peeing.") As I was drifting off for my drugged nap, I asked if I could have a pillow to hug. The nurse clearly thought this was a bit odd but was about to oblige when I sighed and said, "Never mind. What I actually want is my dog there." Then everyone in the room started agreeing that there should really be colonoscopy therapy dogs, but of course they'd have to have anasthesia too, because otherwise they'd go nuts watching their people's butts get violated while their people were sleeping. "Yes," I said as I dozed off. "An anesthetized dog would be great right now," and I thought I had fully solved the problem of colonoscopies. One other weird thing that you didn't mention: I had to give a full inventory of everything on my person and in my bag, inluding counting my rings and earrings. I suppose this was meant to reassure me that nothing would get stolen since it was all inventoried, but instead I was made more alarmed by a concern that it would never have occurred to me to have. (Might people steal from my sleeping form in addition to violating my asshole?) I also asked a friend ahead of time whether it would be polite to shave my asshole in preparation, to which she replied, "They can find it. Go full 70s."
Thank you, Catherine. As a member of the IBD club, I have a bit of experience here and routinely tell jokes to reassure my gastroenterologist that he routinely fails to laugh at. My favorite is about how he shouldn’t be afraid of my hemorrhoids because although they are “sentinels to my anus,” once he gets past them he’ll be fine. HE DOES NOT LAUGH. Not the first time OR the second time, when I said, “Hey, remember when I told that awkward joke about my hemorrhoids last time?” But the nurses laugh, so there’s that. Bless the nurses and the twilight sleep humor.
Honestly, the worst part for me was being abruptly woken from my nap and not being able to stay in my sweet slumber for longer. The nurse was too loud in my ear "are you ready to get dressed now, Heather?" Absolutely not. Leave me alone. She didn't. Kept pushing me to get up and out of there. I was in nearly in tears. A toddler like tantrum for my middle age procedure.
My dear sister recommended prophylactic application of petroleum jelly to the sphincter before the laxative protocol. 10/10 would do again. No burning at all
Wait, you didn’t get the “Avoid high-fiber foods for the full week before your procedure” notice?! That was truly the hardest part for me. I wanted to remind them that my high-fiber diet is what’s keeping that colon healthy in the first place! Very entertaining piece, CN 😆
All the exertions and exhaustion are real but so is the relief when all is well and you get the 10 year free pass! But then the 10th year arrives and you just think, what?? this again???
Clear gummi bears are an allowed liquid: fight me. Obviously would not eat the red or green ones, as I am not a SCOFFLAW. They gave me a prep last time that involved 12 pills instead of 12 gallons, which I was excited about until each pill was the size of a baby sneaker and had hard edges. Stouffers mac is also my madeleine. You are a goddess. Thank you for the laughing, so needed.
If you eat the sugar free gummy bears that had all the insane Amazon reviews, you could probably skip the Miralax altogether! (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about; you won't regret it if you found this post as hilarious as I did.)
Poohsticks. "Take a sip of Gatorade and see if you can shit it out before you even swallow it." Literally LOL'd. Loudly. I've had so many colonoscopies and this, this should be required reading before anyone gets their first, because if you can't laugh about three feet of hose and a camera going up your bum, well...life is too short not to.
Definitely the best sleep/nap ever! Lucky me, I'm on the 3-year plan and am due this year. The worst part is the prep, but it's improved over the years. And, it definitely beats the alternative. My brother had colon cancer at 40. He's been cancer-free now for almost 20 years, but had he not ignored a few symptoms, he wouldn't have suffered through radiation, chemo, and major life-altering surgery. Thanks for your humorous take on the procedure!
I had mine when I was 40 because of suspected celiac, and no one else I knew had had one yet! Wish I had this amazing guide back then, like a Waiting for Birdy of liquid poo!
I am almost but not quite looking forward to my next one in a year or so because of the heated blankets and the sweet sweet NAP.
This is hysterical, especially the confusion about conflicting sizes of gatorade and when the appointment actually is. Glad you missed step 15.5: get an IV after the warm blankets because you are so dehydrated. Good times.
(And joking aside — thanks for voicing and finding the humor in such a common experience!)
My dad had colon cancer so I got my 1st colonoscopy in my 30s. I remember my female doctor was stunningly beautiful and I thought how weird she was going to see parts of me I’d never see.
As someone who has a hard time even drinking 30 oz of liquid a day, the prep was really hard. When I had to do my 2nd one I mentioned this and got a different prep - less liquid to drink which was a big help! I remember hearing to drink until whatever was coming out from my butt was clear even if I hadn’t finished all prep nastiness - also helpful as was not eating much the day before and the Vaseline someone else mentioned! And also being sure to not schedule anything important on elimination day - can u imagine a teams call from the toilet?
Best part besides the all clear was feeling like I could eat whatever I wanted!!
I hear there’s a blood test now that has very high reliability and validity so maybe that will become the standard of care.
lol the firefighters!! Thank you for writing this. I was too cowardly to go into it even though I write about all my other middle age humiliations. Hero for making one of life’s greater punishments funny 💞👌📊
Could not have been better timed. Suffered through my first colonoscopy yesterday!!! A few coastal differences. No gatorade recommendation. Mine was for "Jello and broth." No red or blue. I was told to go to the pharmacy where they gave me a giant jug with the powder already in it, and I had to consume half the night before and half the next morning. Samesies: hot blankets (so nice) and the endless watery pooping of course. ("My butt is peeing.") As I was drifting off for my drugged nap, I asked if I could have a pillow to hug. The nurse clearly thought this was a bit odd but was about to oblige when I sighed and said, "Never mind. What I actually want is my dog there." Then everyone in the room started agreeing that there should really be colonoscopy therapy dogs, but of course they'd have to have anasthesia too, because otherwise they'd go nuts watching their people's butts get violated while their people were sleeping. "Yes," I said as I dozed off. "An anesthetized dog would be great right now," and I thought I had fully solved the problem of colonoscopies. One other weird thing that you didn't mention: I had to give a full inventory of everything on my person and in my bag, inluding counting my rings and earrings. I suppose this was meant to reassure me that nothing would get stolen since it was all inventoried, but instead I was made more alarmed by a concern that it would never have occurred to me to have. (Might people steal from my sleeping form in addition to violating my asshole?) I also asked a friend ahead of time whether it would be polite to shave my asshole in preparation, to which she replied, "They can find it. Go full 70s."
Yes, to Colonoscopy therapy dogs! And good job, hon. xo
Poohsticks, lol! My mensch even built me a colonoscopy playlist with gems like “Push It,” “Let it Go,” “Something in the way she Moves,” & “Relax” 🤣🤣🤣
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Thank you, Catherine. As a member of the IBD club, I have a bit of experience here and routinely tell jokes to reassure my gastroenterologist that he routinely fails to laugh at. My favorite is about how he shouldn’t be afraid of my hemorrhoids because although they are “sentinels to my anus,” once he gets past them he’ll be fine. HE DOES NOT LAUGH. Not the first time OR the second time, when I said, “Hey, remember when I told that awkward joke about my hemorrhoids last time?” But the nurses laugh, so there’s that. Bless the nurses and the twilight sleep humor.
Ha ha ha ha! OMG.
Honestly, the worst part for me was being abruptly woken from my nap and not being able to stay in my sweet slumber for longer. The nurse was too loud in my ear "are you ready to get dressed now, Heather?" Absolutely not. Leave me alone. She didn't. Kept pushing me to get up and out of there. I was in nearly in tears. A toddler like tantrum for my middle age procedure.
Oh god, that part is SO sad!
🤣 I appreciate your understanding!
Same, same. Give me a god damn minute to come to!
100%
My dear sister recommended prophylactic application of petroleum jelly to the sphincter before the laxative protocol. 10/10 would do again. No burning at all
Good idea!
Wait, you didn’t get the “Avoid high-fiber foods for the full week before your procedure” notice?! That was truly the hardest part for me. I wanted to remind them that my high-fiber diet is what’s keeping that colon healthy in the first place! Very entertaining piece, CN 😆
Omg, I forgot about that part! It feels like the world's greatest humiliation would be somehow if they found a whole corn kernel?
I wanna know who, after kindergarten, only eats white food?!?
I forgot to do that and got scolded. "There were clearly seeds in there!"
All the exertions and exhaustion are real but so is the relief when all is well and you get the 10 year free pass! But then the 10th year arrives and you just think, what?? this again???
Friends!!!! Do you know you can sub Coconut Water for the Gatorade???? So much better!!!!! I highly recommend Harmless Harvest chilled…
I couldn't tell if it was going to be clear enough? Glad to have a brand rec.
Clear gummi bears are an allowed liquid: fight me. Obviously would not eat the red or green ones, as I am not a SCOFFLAW. They gave me a prep last time that involved 12 pills instead of 12 gallons, which I was excited about until each pill was the size of a baby sneaker and had hard edges. Stouffers mac is also my madeleine. You are a goddess. Thank you for the laughing, so needed.
If you eat the sugar free gummy bears that had all the insane Amazon reviews, you could probably skip the Miralax altogether! (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about; you won't regret it if you found this post as hilarious as I did.)
“the size of a baby sneaker” 😆
Yes! I did eat some yellow and white gummi bears this time around!
Poohsticks. "Take a sip of Gatorade and see if you can shit it out before you even swallow it." Literally LOL'd. Loudly. I've had so many colonoscopies and this, this should be required reading before anyone gets their first, because if you can't laugh about three feet of hose and a camera going up your bum, well...life is too short not to.
That line made me COL: cackle out loud. In the middle of a crowded cafe.
You cackle, because it's true...
Definitely the best sleep/nap ever! Lucky me, I'm on the 3-year plan and am due this year. The worst part is the prep, but it's improved over the years. And, it definitely beats the alternative. My brother had colon cancer at 40. He's been cancer-free now for almost 20 years, but had he not ignored a few symptoms, he wouldn't have suffered through radiation, chemo, and major life-altering surgery. Thanks for your humorous take on the procedure!
Can you say what the symptoms were that he ignored? 😔
Bleeding that he thought was just hemorrhoids.
ugh
I'm so glad your brother is well now!
I had mine when I was 40 because of suspected celiac, and no one else I knew had had one yet! Wish I had this amazing guide back then, like a Waiting for Birdy of liquid poo!
I am almost but not quite looking forward to my next one in a year or so because of the heated blankets and the sweet sweet NAP.
Same! Plus i never felt so empty!
You seriously motivated me to schedule my colonscopy. I'm 47, and I've put it off long enough
Good!
This is hysterical, especially the confusion about conflicting sizes of gatorade and when the appointment actually is. Glad you missed step 15.5: get an IV after the warm blankets because you are so dehydrated. Good times.
(And joking aside — thanks for voicing and finding the humor in such a common experience!)
My dad had colon cancer so I got my 1st colonoscopy in my 30s. I remember my female doctor was stunningly beautiful and I thought how weird she was going to see parts of me I’d never see.
As someone who has a hard time even drinking 30 oz of liquid a day, the prep was really hard. When I had to do my 2nd one I mentioned this and got a different prep - less liquid to drink which was a big help! I remember hearing to drink until whatever was coming out from my butt was clear even if I hadn’t finished all prep nastiness - also helpful as was not eating much the day before and the Vaseline someone else mentioned! And also being sure to not schedule anything important on elimination day - can u imagine a teams call from the toilet?
Best part besides the all clear was feeling like I could eat whatever I wanted!!
I hear there’s a blood test now that has very high reliability and validity so maybe that will become the standard of care.
Thanks for the laugh today!
lol the firefighters!! Thank you for writing this. I was too cowardly to go into it even though I write about all my other middle age humiliations. Hero for making one of life’s greater punishments funny 💞👌📊
: )